A follower posted last week about her concern for my job, as I post so many details about my work on my blog. I understand that people have different levels of comfort with how much parents, administrators, and the general public know about them. I mean, not even a hundred years ago I would have broken practically every rule in the teaching handbook, as seen in the 1915 Rules for Teachers. I know that my administrators trust my ability to teach, to get kids to meet the standards, and I make my families very happy (yes, it takes some bribery, but they are happy!) I also know the value of anonymity.
We're in the middle of snowstorm season around here, and with two feet of snow on the ground, and the power out in much of the county- school was canceled yesterday! Hooray! Then, they canceled school today! Double-Hooray! As you know, I love my job, I love teaching, and I love students. But I love days off more.
So, what do you do on a snow day? You make hot toddies, get drunk and make naked snow angels! (I'm kidding about the naked snow angels!)
I wish that had been my day. It was actually a lot worse. So, yesterday I put on my boots, hat, fleece everything, scarf, coat, and gloves. I put matching doggie parkas on Screwy and Chewy and took them out for a walk. I was slomping along my front walk in the deep, deep snow, with the dogs hopping along and sniffing around, and I was trying to keep my hot toddy from slipping out of my gloved hands and into the snow. That would be such a waste of good whiskey.
Then, I turned my head and see three of my little nose-pickers flying down the hill on sleds. They slid to a stop near my feet. "Ms. Kaplan! Ms. Kaplan!" Snot running down their chins, they hugged me, getting mucus all over my very expensive DKNY down jacket. "You live here!?!" they cried in disbelief.
The kids were so happy to see me. Fortunately, my scarf hid my grimace. All I wanted was to let the dogs shit and pee quickly so I could get back into the warmth of my home.
"Watch us sled! Watch us sled!" My toes froze as I watched them hike the nearby hill and slide down again.
"You are awesome sledders" I told them, wishing they'd climb back up that hill and not come back, "My doggies need to go on their walk now. Bye-bye."
"Can we help?" They asked, in innocent joy. "Sure." Sip-sip-sip. I was careful not to let my hot toddy spill as I handed the leashes over to the kids. We walked and talked, and they made guesses as to when we'd be back in school, and if we'd still have a math test on Friday. I did my usual response, "maybe" which keeps their critical thinking skills in check.
We rounded the block back to my house, and I told them their moms and dads are probably wondering where they are, so they better hurry home. With laughter and giggles, they tromped off through the snow, back to their homes. What lovely little children. It's sure good to be loved.
Early this morning, I'm waiting for the school closure report come in and it dawns on me. THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE! This is my number one teaching rule. NEVER LET THEM KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! Immediately, I jump on craigslist and start perusing the rental properties, because I realize I will only be able to stay here so long before the damage occurs. I'm totally immersed in my search, and falling in love with a cottage style house about six miles away when...
Bzzzz.... I hear my doorbell. Whatthefuck? Who would be ringing my doorbell at 8:00 in the morning? Chewy and Screwy start going crazy, yelping at the door. I'm nearly naked, so I throw on my robe, and get to the door.
Standing before me, clad in head to toe snow gear are my three little rodents.
"Hi Ms. Kaplan! Can we play with your doggies?" Ohshitohshitohshit! This is the clincher. Do I say yes and let them in, or send the dogs out? Do I say no and sound like a bitch? Letting them in my house is a very bad idea (do you remember the stories they told in your Educational Law class?) Sending the dogs out seems like a bad idea, considering their pension for humping and nipping at people.
"I wish I could, but we're staying in for awhile. It's cold and I'm not ready to go outside."
"Okay! Bye Ms. Kaplan! We love you! See you later!"
"By kiddos."
I closed the door and sunk down to the floor. The worst thing possible has happened. I no longer have anonymity. There is no sanctity in my home. I can no longer have sex in the backyard. I can no longer have margarita parties on the lawn. Forever more, three little shitheads will be coming by, bringing me flowers they pick, trying to sell me cookies, or wrapping paper, or asking me to buy lemonade from their stands.
I've contacted the owner of that cottage. We're moving at the end of the month!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Gifted, My Ass
In our district, now is the time applications need to be submitted for our GATE program. Since ALL my parents think their children are gifted and talented, this means I have a giant stack of teacher recommendations to fill out before Friday.
Parents are able to submit their own recommendations for their child. This means, once one parent proclaims their child will be testing for GATE, all the other moms in the parking lot join in on GATE-Fest 2012. No one wants to be left out. You'd think that no news is better than bad news, but apparently everyone is so self-assured about their child's brilliance that the thought that they may not be in the top 5% of all the students in our district hasn't crossed their minds.
Now, let me just profile a couple of my wonderful little nose-pickers for you. You can help me fill out my forms. (Believe me, I need the help!)
Number 18. A darling pudge-ball... comes in every morning needing a reminder of our morning routine (unpack your backpack, make a lunch choice, finish your math minute, shop for a book for your book bag if time.) Every day, every step of the way, Number 18 needs to ask, "whatdoIdonow?" in a loud, shrieky sort of voice.
So, our form asks the following to be ranked somewhere between very rarely and very often:
Memory and Knowledge: Remembers, integrates, retains information or skills
Fast Learner: Grasps and performs sophisticated concepts and tasks quickly and easily
Even if unpacking your backpack were a sophisticated task, I can't say that Number 18 does this quickly or easily. In fact, Number 18 still walks into last year's classroom instead of mine at least once a week.
Number 3. My complainer. He complains about every task, every lesson, every book, every challenge problem, group project, or craft. He has "nothing to write about" "can't draw" and "hates books." He also wears the same socks day in and out and has a habit of slipping off his Merrils and rubbing his feet on other kids during our read aloud. Of course, his parents attribute his complaining to boredom, an obvious sign that he is far too gifted to be in a regular second grade.
So, on the form I have to explain how he rates in the following:
Motivation: Intense desire to know, create, do, feel or understand
Interests: Passionate interests, including unusual or short-lived interests
I've had gifted second graders before. I had a boy who could name and identify every mushroom, and was part of our local mycological society. He was written about in the newspaper and was auditing an adult education course at our university!
I had a girl who wrote a science fiction "novel" over the course of the year during our daily free writing time, with phrases in it like, "These are the days of darkness, when the crystal sky aches for new stars, and our dying moon slips in and out of its phases with hunger pangs that can't be satisfied with even the heartiest of meals." A second grader!
I had a second grade boy once who "played" with his brother's sixth grade algebra book at home, and did his brother's homework each night for "fun" in addition to our own.
Those children were gifted- well beyond gifted! They were brilliant. I understand that there is a difference between being a genius and being gifted and talented... but just as far as that chasm is, so is the difference between being totally typical, or below average and qualifying for GATE.
I am interested to see what happens to my little Number 18 and Number 3. I am interested to see those who are above and below those two. Right now, though, after working on most of my stack of recommendations tonight, I am ready for a big huge vodka tonic! Drink the pain away!
Parents are able to submit their own recommendations for their child. This means, once one parent proclaims their child will be testing for GATE, all the other moms in the parking lot join in on GATE-Fest 2012. No one wants to be left out. You'd think that no news is better than bad news, but apparently everyone is so self-assured about their child's brilliance that the thought that they may not be in the top 5% of all the students in our district hasn't crossed their minds.
Now, let me just profile a couple of my wonderful little nose-pickers for you. You can help me fill out my forms. (Believe me, I need the help!)
Number 18. A darling pudge-ball... comes in every morning needing a reminder of our morning routine (unpack your backpack, make a lunch choice, finish your math minute, shop for a book for your book bag if time.) Every day, every step of the way, Number 18 needs to ask, "whatdoIdonow?" in a loud, shrieky sort of voice.
So, our form asks the following to be ranked somewhere between very rarely and very often:
Memory and Knowledge: Remembers, integrates, retains information or skills
Fast Learner: Grasps and performs sophisticated concepts and tasks quickly and easily
Even if unpacking your backpack were a sophisticated task, I can't say that Number 18 does this quickly or easily. In fact, Number 18 still walks into last year's classroom instead of mine at least once a week.
Number 3. My complainer. He complains about every task, every lesson, every book, every challenge problem, group project, or craft. He has "nothing to write about" "can't draw" and "hates books." He also wears the same socks day in and out and has a habit of slipping off his Merrils and rubbing his feet on other kids during our read aloud. Of course, his parents attribute his complaining to boredom, an obvious sign that he is far too gifted to be in a regular second grade.
So, on the form I have to explain how he rates in the following:
Motivation: Intense desire to know, create, do, feel or understand
Interests: Passionate interests, including unusual or short-lived interests
I've had gifted second graders before. I had a boy who could name and identify every mushroom, and was part of our local mycological society. He was written about in the newspaper and was auditing an adult education course at our university!
I had a girl who wrote a science fiction "novel" over the course of the year during our daily free writing time, with phrases in it like, "These are the days of darkness, when the crystal sky aches for new stars, and our dying moon slips in and out of its phases with hunger pangs that can't be satisfied with even the heartiest of meals." A second grader!
I had a second grade boy once who "played" with his brother's sixth grade algebra book at home, and did his brother's homework each night for "fun" in addition to our own.
Those children were gifted- well beyond gifted! They were brilliant. I understand that there is a difference between being a genius and being gifted and talented... but just as far as that chasm is, so is the difference between being totally typical, or below average and qualifying for GATE.
I am interested to see what happens to my little Number 18 and Number 3. I am interested to see those who are above and below those two. Right now, though, after working on most of my stack of recommendations tonight, I am ready for a big huge vodka tonic! Drink the pain away!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Twelve Days of Freedom!
I thought I would write a song for winter break! This can (sort of) be sung to "The Twelve Days of Christmas"
Twelve Days of Freedom
On the first day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
stay in your pajamas all day!
On the second day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day!
On the third day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the fourth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the fifth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the sixth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
Twelve Days of Freedom
On the first day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
stay in your pajamas all day!
On the second day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day!
On the third day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the fourth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me,
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the fifth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the sixth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the seventh day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
7 hours of HGTV
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the eighth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
8 text messages
7 hours of HGTV
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the ninth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
9 nimble yoga postures
8 text messages
7 hours of HGTV
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the tenth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
10 polished toes
9 nimble yoga postures
8 text messages
7 hours of HGTV
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the eleventh day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
11 hours shopping
10 polished toes
9 nimble yoga postures
8 text messages
7 hours of HGTV
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
On the twelfth day of freedom, my to-do list said to me
12 frosted cupcakes
11 hours shopping
10 polished toes
9 nimble yoga postures
8 text messages
7 hours of HGTV
6 new pairs of shoes
5 godiva chocolates
4 new apps
3 margaritas
2 hour massage
and stay in your pajamas all day
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Apocalypse 2012
While we are all awaiting the zombie apocalypse, a much more pressing issue is nearly upon us! Apocalypse 2012 is set to take place in the next calendar year.
I believe in giving children as much knowledge as they can handle. I am not the kind of teacher who sugarcoats the tough subjects or says, "go home and ask your mother." Invariably during the school the big three come up at some point (sex, death and taxes). I approach each of these subjects as well as I can, with respect toward my students' curiosity and the wide variety of household beliefs, while maintaining an unbiased and professional stance.
However, when talking about the apocalypse of 2012, all bets are off. For Gods Sake, it's the fucking apocalypse and we gotta run!
First, we have been doing a unit on the Mayans in social studies. Here are a few of the facts about the Maya that my students found particularly interesting!
I believe in giving children as much knowledge as they can handle. I am not the kind of teacher who sugarcoats the tough subjects or says, "go home and ask your mother." Invariably during the school the big three come up at some point (sex, death and taxes). I approach each of these subjects as well as I can, with respect toward my students' curiosity and the wide variety of household beliefs, while maintaining an unbiased and professional stance.
However, when talking about the apocalypse of 2012, all bets are off. For Gods Sake, it's the fucking apocalypse and we gotta run!
First, we have been doing a unit on the Mayans in social studies. Here are a few of the facts about the Maya that my students found particularly interesting!
- The Maya found unnatural physical characteristics of children fascinating, so they pressed boards on a babies forehead to flatten it, and permanently crossed their eyes by dangling objects in front of the baby. They would live with this for the rest of their lives! (You should have seen my students sitting and crossing their eyes after this! So cute!)
- The Maya practiced human sacrifice. Yeah, yeah, lots of folks did that a thousand years ago. But aren't the pictures fun to look at! My boys sure liked them!
- The Maya used lots of drugs. Hallucinogenic mushrooms, morning glory, peyote, and they made alcohol. Their favorite way to take the drugs? Via enema of course! Another fun moment of discussion in the classroom!
We are doing lots of crafts and fun projects. This site by Scholastic has many to choose from. I am also using this great book, which came from our school library.
The easiest craft you can make with kids is Gods Eyes, which we all probably remember making as children. My class is obsessed with them, and I keep having to take them away as the twist yarn under their desks during math and other lessons!
They sure look great though! We are going to hang them from the ceilings.
Now, all this Maya hubbub is well and good, but the facts say that the Mayan calendar does not end in 2012 and this is a media thing gone too far. Hogwash. I can see the signs of the end of the world, and we better be prepared. The Kardashian divorce, Mitt Romney for President, and a Smurf movie starring Neil Patrick Harris? Clearly signs that our world is coming to an end!
In my class we are practicing duck and cover, stop, drop and roll, and packing emergency supplies. I have been sneaking away the small lunch items the kids bring in each day (just one or two here and there) for our storage tub. Now we have enough granola bars, fruit by the foot, and snack sized bags of Doritos to last us until the end of time.
If my faithful followers can help me out, this is what I'd like to have available, if the end comes while I'm teaching. Perhaps we can all get together and start gathering supplies!
- stickers
- 200 gallons of water
- 20 boxes of kleenex
- 50 containers of hand santizer
- 25 small pocket knives (for the children)
- 10 large weapons, preferably with ammunition
- blankets, coats, other outwear for my students and myself
- a winnebago
- at least 10 gallons of vodka
That should do it. Are you ready for the end of the world?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Winter Duldrums
This is the time of year when teaching starts to suck. The excitement and energy of the new school year has faded, the weather is shitty, which makes kids more antsy and the short time between Thanksgiving and Winter Break is just useless.
So what's a teacher to do? Use some sick days! I posted awhile ago about my failproof sub plans. If you have those in place, faking a sick day should be no problem.
Need an excuse? Here are a few:
- you caught the bug going around your class
- you sprained your ankle while hanging up your winter bulletin board
- you slipped on ice while carrying your big, heavy teacher bag home after working late
- you developed severe carpal tunnel while writing report cards
- you have a bladder infection from holding it too long, as your prep period isn't until 6th period and you've been tutoring during lunch
- your students are giving you migraines
- you have insomnia due to stressful parent emails
- you have a hangover from drinking the pain away
Hopefully you give yourself some peaceful "sick" days this year. Take a day to watch some bad tv and do some online shopping. Your students will thank you for it. A happy teacher makes for happy students.
So what's a teacher to do? Use some sick days! I posted awhile ago about my failproof sub plans. If you have those in place, faking a sick day should be no problem.
Need an excuse? Here are a few:
- you caught the bug going around your class
- you sprained your ankle while hanging up your winter bulletin board
- you slipped on ice while carrying your big, heavy teacher bag home after working late
- you developed severe carpal tunnel while writing report cards
- you have a bladder infection from holding it too long, as your prep period isn't until 6th period and you've been tutoring during lunch
- your students are giving you migraines
- you have insomnia due to stressful parent emails
- you have a hangover from drinking the pain away
Hopefully you give yourself some peaceful "sick" days this year. Take a day to watch some bad tv and do some online shopping. Your students will thank you for it. A happy teacher makes for happy students.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Things I am Thankful For...
Thanksgiving Break is around the corner. It's time to think about family, food, and gratitude. Last week we created a class book on foods we're thankful for- this is part of the work we have done around our community food drive. Our school has a garden and the veggies it produces go to the food pantry in the spring, and we collect canned and dry goods around Thanksgiving. Our class took a tour of the food pantry and helped make sandwiches to pass out to the homeless.
Afterwards, we talked about healthy foods we enjoy eating. Each student wrote about their favorite healthy food and how they prepare it. They illustrated it and we created the book. I was impressed by their palates. Sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts with butter, salt and pepper, artichoke, broccoli, gnocchi, lentils, black beans and rice, mango, raspberries, apples and peanut butter, and chicken. One child wrote about "marshmallow vegetables." Every time I asked what they were, she said they were vegetables for people who don't like vegetables. They taste like marshmallows. I am still trying to figure that one out!
Anyway, this made the think of all the things I am thankful for. I thought I would list them below:
1. When the most difficult child in the class is absent (preferably with a flu that knocks him out for a week)
2. Vodka
3. Specials. Art, Music, PE, Computer Lab. That half hour a day is beautiful.
4. Teacher's Discount Cards (Barnes and Noble, Joanne's, etc.)
5. Thanksgiving Break, Winter Break, Midwinter Break, Spring Break, Summer Vacation
6. Silent Reading
7. My enormous paycheck
8. Friday afternoons when the class has earned a movie... ah, peace!
9. Pencil skirts (not actual pencils, which pretty much drive me crazy with their constant need for sharpening)
10. The lovely little thank you notes and pictures that students leave on my desk. Makes the whole thing worth it!
Afterwards, we talked about healthy foods we enjoy eating. Each student wrote about their favorite healthy food and how they prepare it. They illustrated it and we created the book. I was impressed by their palates. Sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts with butter, salt and pepper, artichoke, broccoli, gnocchi, lentils, black beans and rice, mango, raspberries, apples and peanut butter, and chicken. One child wrote about "marshmallow vegetables." Every time I asked what they were, she said they were vegetables for people who don't like vegetables. They taste like marshmallows. I am still trying to figure that one out!
Anyway, this made the think of all the things I am thankful for. I thought I would list them below:
1. When the most difficult child in the class is absent (preferably with a flu that knocks him out for a week)
2. Vodka
3. Specials. Art, Music, PE, Computer Lab. That half hour a day is beautiful.
4. Teacher's Discount Cards (Barnes and Noble, Joanne's, etc.)
5. Thanksgiving Break, Winter Break, Midwinter Break, Spring Break, Summer Vacation
6. Silent Reading
7. My enormous paycheck
8. Friday afternoons when the class has earned a movie... ah, peace!
9. Pencil skirts (not actual pencils, which pretty much drive me crazy with their constant need for sharpening)
10. The lovely little thank you notes and pictures that students leave on my desk. Makes the whole thing worth it!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Report Cards for Beginners
It's that time of year. Fall report cards and parent conferences are in session. For many teachers, this causes sweat to bead up on their brows. The painful evenings spent in front of the computer entering grades, coming up with pleasant comments to add to the report cards, and evaluating all those end-of-term assessments!
Then, to make it all even better, the parents come in and want to talk to you, and probably complain to you about why that kid of theirs is so bored because they are so gifted, or how much they hate school, or how they have decided to take him off of his ADHD medication because he can't just take drugs forever... fortunately, if you are me, you have buttered them up already, and they will eat every little thing you say up as if it's manna from heaven.
Grades
So, you probably wonder about how I grade. We use a 1-4 scale at my school. Seriously, it's the same as having a A-F scale, except parents have their own images, emotional baggage and personal history relating to letter grades so the administration decided numbers were less traumatizing for the parents. I rarely, rarely give 1's and I rarely give 4's. This is because I grade on a scale. Grade on a scale? How does that work in second grade? Well, here is what I figure... the kids come to me wherever they are developmentally. If I get a crew where 2/3 of the class mixes up b and d, I don't think it's fair to give those kids 1's or 2's in handwriting. They are only seven for gods sake. Chances are they will outgrow it. I correct them on it. I point it out. I read their words back to them, " 'I dring the bog to the qark.' Is that what you meant to say, Number 12?"
And, some of my grading on a scale is simply in secret defiance to the fact that I don't think second graders should even get grades. Until 8 years old, they haven't had their major developmental leap yet. They may still be considered "preoperative" in terms of development. They are babies! Yes, they are bigger babies than they were the year before, but they are young children- and their normal development should not be hindered by some outside score or whatever. Let the third grade teachers give the grades based on test scores and homework completion. As far as I'm concerned, perfect homework from a second grader has a 90% chance of being done by their mother. And a failing test has as much to do with what happened on the playground at lunch as whether or not the child knows the material.
Second graders have some concept of the importance of learning- they know their parents want them to do it, and they know they get treats when they appear to be listening, or get their work done. But I honestly don't think most 7 year olds understand the scope of how important it is for them to truly be able to read and write and understand diphthongs. They get it or they don't. And they probably are spending more time thinking about their Yu-Gi-Oh cards and butterflies than "ou" sound, house, shout, any day of the week.
So, because I grade on a scale, most of my kiddos do well. I keep the 1's and 4's off my scale, focusing mostly on the 2's and 3's. This allows me to only use 1's and 4's in the cases that are extreme.
Report Card Comments
I make my report card comments easy. I mean, really, really easy. I have each child do a survey. You can download it yourself to use with your students.
I then use that information to create a sort of "form letter" that goes in the comment section of each report card. I add in little details as needed, or to boost the style somewhat.
A child's comments go something like this:
Number __ is a _______, and ________ student. At school ______ particularly enjoys _______. _____ has _____ friendships. He/she is ______ focused and on task. He/She loves doing _________. (Then, try to include one of the child's ideas from the last two questions on the survey.)
It ends up like this:
Number 8 is a creative and focused student. At school she particularly enjoys Writer's Workshop and wrote a wonderful true/false book about birds. She has several good friends in class, and works well with everyone. She is usually focused and on task, especially when doing science or journaling, her favorite activities. She is having a great year in second grade!
Number 12 is an athletic and humorous student. He particularly enjoys math workshop, and is working quickly to memorize his subtraction facts. He has a few close friends in class and particularly likes working with one buddy during science or art projects. He sometimes has challenges staying focused in class, but with reminders can adhere to the expectations. His favorite time of day is P.E., and he is known as one of the fastest runners and best kick-ball players. He is having a fine year in second grade.
Having student input makes it SOOO much easier. Also, the parents really love the personalization of your comments. It makes them feel like you really know and like their child- that's all they really want anyway! I keep out the negatives as much as possible, so I can gently add those things into the actual conference as needed. Remember, there are really no bad kids- just bad systems for helping them.
Conferences
I actually keep my conferences to the point as possible. I show the parents the end-of-term assessments, a few pieces of sample work, and let them ask a question. Since conferences are only 20 minutes, I allow 1 question. I say, "what the one thing that you've had on your mind the most about this school year?" and then I answer it. I go over the report card, and point out any areas that need improvement. I point out all the areas where they are doing well. I talk, talk, talk, as much as possible, leaving almost no time for them to say a word. Then, I say, "if there is anything you think of later, please email me. I'm happy to schedule another appointment or have an email conversation with you!" (Smile, smile, smile!)
Do you know how often a parent has emailed me a question after the conference?
.... never. I mean, never. Don't allow them time to think or talk during your conference. Be all smiles and cheer. Share the bad news in a quick, friendly and non-judgemental way. Save the best for last, and send them on their way. If a child has nearly nothing going for them, comment on something wonderful about the parents-- like, "... is so lucky to have such great parents."
Now, go forth, all mighty teacher! Make your parents happy. Then, go home, have yourself a big stiff drink and fuck the pain away!
Then, to make it all even better, the parents come in and want to talk to you, and probably complain to you about why that kid of theirs is so bored because they are so gifted, or how much they hate school, or how they have decided to take him off of his ADHD medication because he can't just take drugs forever... fortunately, if you are me, you have buttered them up already, and they will eat every little thing you say up as if it's manna from heaven.
Grades
So, you probably wonder about how I grade. We use a 1-4 scale at my school. Seriously, it's the same as having a A-F scale, except parents have their own images, emotional baggage and personal history relating to letter grades so the administration decided numbers were less traumatizing for the parents. I rarely, rarely give 1's and I rarely give 4's. This is because I grade on a scale. Grade on a scale? How does that work in second grade? Well, here is what I figure... the kids come to me wherever they are developmentally. If I get a crew where 2/3 of the class mixes up b and d, I don't think it's fair to give those kids 1's or 2's in handwriting. They are only seven for gods sake. Chances are they will outgrow it. I correct them on it. I point it out. I read their words back to them, " 'I dring the bog to the qark.' Is that what you meant to say, Number 12?"
And, some of my grading on a scale is simply in secret defiance to the fact that I don't think second graders should even get grades. Until 8 years old, they haven't had their major developmental leap yet. They may still be considered "preoperative" in terms of development. They are babies! Yes, they are bigger babies than they were the year before, but they are young children- and their normal development should not be hindered by some outside score or whatever. Let the third grade teachers give the grades based on test scores and homework completion. As far as I'm concerned, perfect homework from a second grader has a 90% chance of being done by their mother. And a failing test has as much to do with what happened on the playground at lunch as whether or not the child knows the material.
Second graders have some concept of the importance of learning- they know their parents want them to do it, and they know they get treats when they appear to be listening, or get their work done. But I honestly don't think most 7 year olds understand the scope of how important it is for them to truly be able to read and write and understand diphthongs. They get it or they don't. And they probably are spending more time thinking about their Yu-Gi-Oh cards and butterflies than "ou" sound, house, shout, any day of the week.
So, because I grade on a scale, most of my kiddos do well. I keep the 1's and 4's off my scale, focusing mostly on the 2's and 3's. This allows me to only use 1's and 4's in the cases that are extreme.
Report Card Comments
I make my report card comments easy. I mean, really, really easy. I have each child do a survey. You can download it yourself to use with your students.
I then use that information to create a sort of "form letter" that goes in the comment section of each report card. I add in little details as needed, or to boost the style somewhat.
A child's comments go something like this:
Number __ is a _______, and ________ student. At school ______ particularly enjoys _______. _____ has _____ friendships. He/she is ______ focused and on task. He/She loves doing _________. (Then, try to include one of the child's ideas from the last two questions on the survey.)
It ends up like this:
Number 8 is a creative and focused student. At school she particularly enjoys Writer's Workshop and wrote a wonderful true/false book about birds. She has several good friends in class, and works well with everyone. She is usually focused and on task, especially when doing science or journaling, her favorite activities. She is having a great year in second grade!
Number 12 is an athletic and humorous student. He particularly enjoys math workshop, and is working quickly to memorize his subtraction facts. He has a few close friends in class and particularly likes working with one buddy during science or art projects. He sometimes has challenges staying focused in class, but with reminders can adhere to the expectations. His favorite time of day is P.E., and he is known as one of the fastest runners and best kick-ball players. He is having a fine year in second grade.
Having student input makes it SOOO much easier. Also, the parents really love the personalization of your comments. It makes them feel like you really know and like their child- that's all they really want anyway! I keep out the negatives as much as possible, so I can gently add those things into the actual conference as needed. Remember, there are really no bad kids- just bad systems for helping them.
Conferences
I actually keep my conferences to the point as possible. I show the parents the end-of-term assessments, a few pieces of sample work, and let them ask a question. Since conferences are only 20 minutes, I allow 1 question. I say, "what the one thing that you've had on your mind the most about this school year?" and then I answer it. I go over the report card, and point out any areas that need improvement. I point out all the areas where they are doing well. I talk, talk, talk, as much as possible, leaving almost no time for them to say a word. Then, I say, "if there is anything you think of later, please email me. I'm happy to schedule another appointment or have an email conversation with you!" (Smile, smile, smile!)
Do you know how often a parent has emailed me a question after the conference?
.... never. I mean, never. Don't allow them time to think or talk during your conference. Be all smiles and cheer. Share the bad news in a quick, friendly and non-judgemental way. Save the best for last, and send them on their way. If a child has nearly nothing going for them, comment on something wonderful about the parents-- like, "... is so lucky to have such great parents."
Now, go forth, all mighty teacher! Make your parents happy. Then, go home, have yourself a big stiff drink and fuck the pain away!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Other People Write Funny Things about Teaching, too!
I read this article in The New Yorker this week and had to share. Almost any teacher can relate. Enjoy!
Article Link
Article Link
Friday, October 21, 2011
Bad Teacher?!?
Most Friday nights for the last several years, my girls and I go out. We bring our hottest heels and dresses to work in our gym bags, head over to Mimi's house and pre-funk and change, and then we hit our favorite clubs. No teacher talk allowed, no bitching about co-workers, no checking work emails on our phones. We are no longer teachers; we are amazing, smart, sexy, carefree women! However, as much as we like to pretend we're carefree, of course, the realities of life have hit us more and more this year than ever before. Ever since Mimi had her triplets, it's been hard for us all to go out. I mean, we're ten weeks into school and we've gone out, what, maybe 6 times?! Not that it's her fault, the other girls have kids too. But they somehow manage to break away once a week to dance and drink the night away. It's a shame, but I'm not even 30 yet, and it appears my dancing days are nearly over.
So, we've had to come up with alternate plans. Tonight was movie night for my sweetie and me. I stopped at the Redbox on my way home from what I would say was a hellish Friday and picked up a movie. I made us plates of nachos, filled our beer pints (not with beer, but to the brim with vodka and lime) and settled onto the couch to watch something funny.
Bad Teacher, starring Cameron Diaz, Jason Segal and Justin Timberlake came out on DVD/Blu Ray this week. Of course, I had to get it, as I just love Jason Segal. Ever since he flashed his amazing manhood in full frontal glory in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I can't get enough of this guy. What an amazing piece of man meat! So, of course, I couldn't resist Bad Teacher! Unfortunately, we don't see a single shot of him below the waist, but that just the least of the issues I have with this movie!
First off, Bad Teacher gives teachers a bad name. Teachers have enough of an image problem in society these days. The media feeds on stories of sexual abuse and scandals in education. Yet, in this film, we see nothing but promiscuity, drug use, poor teaching, foul language and loose morals!
Here are the main points that strike me as negative toward teaching:
- She swears constantly, and in front of the class... even writing FUCKING on the papers she grades
- She does drugs, unapologetically. I mean, who would do that? It's nearly as bad as GIVING drugs to students!
- She dresses like a big whore. Yes, I used the W word. I mean, you might as well wear some off the shoulder, little black dress on the first day of school.
- She doesn't take the profession of teaching seriously at all. She has no regard for her students, her colleagues or the rules and policies of the school.
Ok, I will get off my soapbox now. I realize not every teacher can be amazing... like (clears throat) some people I know, but let's give one another credit and try to portray teachers positively in the media!
If you know of a great teacher, tell them how much you appreciate them! We need pats on the backs too!
(And if you're a new reader to my blog, I suggest you scroll back to July and August to get some actual GOOD teaching tips, from a real professional who takes her job VERY seriously!)
So, we've had to come up with alternate plans. Tonight was movie night for my sweetie and me. I stopped at the Redbox on my way home from what I would say was a hellish Friday and picked up a movie. I made us plates of nachos, filled our beer pints (not with beer, but to the brim with vodka and lime) and settled onto the couch to watch something funny.
Bad Teacher, starring Cameron Diaz, Jason Segal and Justin Timberlake came out on DVD/Blu Ray this week. Of course, I had to get it, as I just love Jason Segal. Ever since he flashed his amazing manhood in full frontal glory in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I can't get enough of this guy. What an amazing piece of man meat! So, of course, I couldn't resist Bad Teacher! Unfortunately, we don't see a single shot of him below the waist, but that just the least of the issues I have with this movie!
First off, Bad Teacher gives teachers a bad name. Teachers have enough of an image problem in society these days. The media feeds on stories of sexual abuse and scandals in education. Yet, in this film, we see nothing but promiscuity, drug use, poor teaching, foul language and loose morals!
Here are the main points that strike me as negative toward teaching:
- She swears constantly, and in front of the class... even writing FUCKING on the papers she grades
- She does drugs, unapologetically. I mean, who would do that? It's nearly as bad as GIVING drugs to students!
- She dresses like a big whore. Yes, I used the W word. I mean, you might as well wear some off the shoulder, little black dress on the first day of school.
- She doesn't take the profession of teaching seriously at all. She has no regard for her students, her colleagues or the rules and policies of the school.
Ok, I will get off my soapbox now. I realize not every teacher can be amazing... like (clears throat) some people I know, but let's give one another credit and try to portray teachers positively in the media!
If you know of a great teacher, tell them how much you appreciate them! We need pats on the backs too!
(And if you're a new reader to my blog, I suggest you scroll back to July and August to get some actual GOOD teaching tips, from a real professional who takes her job VERY seriously!)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Taking Book Reports to a Whole New Level
I've been posting a lot of books lately. You probably all realize by now that I love books. More than just loving books, I love my students to be well-read people.
Part of being a well-read person is to be exposed to literature that is beyond your actual reading ability. This is why we do read alouds each day. We do this to expose the students to content, vocabulary, syntax and stories that will broaden their comprehension.
I posted about this once before, but my class is really, really low this year. My students are smart and amaze me in many ways. When we started our Pebbles, Sand and Silt science kit, many knew the kind of rocks we were using and information about how rocks are formed before I even said a word. Many kids are multiplying numbers in their head (like 10's and 5's) when our math book will barely even touch that in the spring. However, as smart as they are about some things, they are really ridiculous when it comes to their lack of reading ability. Like, many are still reading at a level C or D. Our phonics based and sight word based patterned readers are BORING. This limits a lot of what I can do in terms of book reports and things, so I have come up with a brilliant solution. The take-home book project!
Should kids can't read well not be exposed to great literature? I think not!
I sent home a book list for the parents, with the assignment of reading one of these books aloud to their child at night over the course of two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, the students were to create a picture and write about the book and do an oral presentation. I am so proud, I thought I would share their results! The kids presented their projects today and they were just wonderful! They all have a much broader understanding of genre and literature, can speak to their understanding of a new book and had a
wonderful parent-child bonding experience during the read aloud process.
If you're interested in using my banned book list, here it is:
Happy reading!
Part of being a well-read person is to be exposed to literature that is beyond your actual reading ability. This is why we do read alouds each day. We do this to expose the students to content, vocabulary, syntax and stories that will broaden their comprehension.
I posted about this once before, but my class is really, really low this year. My students are smart and amaze me in many ways. When we started our Pebbles, Sand and Silt science kit, many knew the kind of rocks we were using and information about how rocks are formed before I even said a word. Many kids are multiplying numbers in their head (like 10's and 5's) when our math book will barely even touch that in the spring. However, as smart as they are about some things, they are really ridiculous when it comes to their lack of reading ability. Like, many are still reading at a level C or D. Our phonics based and sight word based patterned readers are BORING. This limits a lot of what I can do in terms of book reports and things, so I have come up with a brilliant solution. The take-home book project!
Should kids can't read well not be exposed to great literature? I think not!
I sent home a book list for the parents, with the assignment of reading one of these books aloud to their child at night over the course of two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, the students were to create a picture and write about the book and do an oral presentation. I am so proud, I thought I would share their results! The kids presented their projects today and they were just wonderful! They all have a much broader understanding of genre and literature, can speak to their understanding of a new book and had a
wonderful parent-child bonding experience during the read aloud process.
If you're interested in using my banned book list, here it is:
- The Chocolate War, by Robert Cormier
- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain
- Annie on My Mind, by Nancy Garden
- A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L’Engle
- Go Ask Alice, by Anonymous
- To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
- American Psycho, by Bret Easton Ellis
- Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
- The Anarchist Cookbook, by William Powell
- Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret, by Judy Blume
- Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
- Lord of the Flies, by William Golding
- The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain
- The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, by Ken Kesey
- Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury
- The Boy Who Lost His Face, by Louis Sachar
- The Satanic Verses, by Salman Rushdie
- Naked Lunch, by William S. Burroughs
- Invisible Man, by Ralph Ellison
Happy reading!
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