Apocalypse 2012

While we are all awaiting the zombie apocalypse, a much more pressing issue is nearly upon us! Apocalypse 2012 is set to take place in the next calendar year.

I believe in giving children as much knowledge as they can handle.  I am not the kind of teacher who sugarcoats the tough subjects or says, "go home and ask your mother." Invariably during the school the big three come up at some point (sex, death and taxes).  I approach each of these subjects as well as I can, with respect toward my students' curiosity and the wide variety of household beliefs, while maintaining an unbiased and professional stance.

However, when talking about the apocalypse of 2012, all bets are off. For Gods Sake, it's the fucking apocalypse and we gotta run!

First, we have been doing a unit on the Mayans in social studies. Here are a few of the facts about the Maya that my students found particularly interesting!

• The Maya found unnatural physical characteristics of children fascinating, so they pressed boards on a babies forehead to flatten it, and permanently crossed their eyes by dangling objects in front of the baby.  They would live with this for the rest of their lives! (You should have seen my students sitting and crossing their eyes after this! So cute!)
• The Maya practiced human sacrifice.  Yeah, yeah, lots of folks did that a thousand years ago.  But aren't the pictures fun to look at! My boys sure liked them!
• The Maya used lots of drugs. Hallucinogenic mushrooms, morning glory, peyote, and they made alcohol.  Their favorite way to take the drugs? Via enema of course! Another fun moment of discussion in the classroom! 

We are doing lots of crafts and fun projects.  This site by Scholastic has many to choose from.  I am also using this great book, which came from our school library.

The easiest craft you can make with kids is Gods Eyes, which we all probably remember making as children.  My class is obsessed with them, and I keep having to take them away as the twist yarn under their desks during math and other lessons! 

They sure look great though! We are going to hang them from the ceilings.

Now, all this Maya hubbub is well and good, but the facts say that the Mayan calendar does not end in 2012 and this is a media thing gone too far. Hogwash.  I can see the signs of the end of the world, and we better be prepared.  The Kardashian divorce, Mitt Romney for President, and a Smurf movie starring Neil Patrick Harris? Clearly signs that our world is coming to an end!

In my class we are practicing duck and cover, stop, drop and roll, and packing emergency supplies. I have been sneaking away the small lunch items the kids bring in each day (just one or two here and there) for our storage tub.  Now we have enough granola bars, fruit by the foot, and snack sized bags of Doritos to last us until the end of time.  

If my faithful followers can help me out, this is what I'd like to have available, if the end comes while I'm teaching.  Perhaps we can all get together and start gathering supplies!

- stickers

- 200 gallons of water

- 20 boxes of kleenex

- 50 containers of hand santizer

- 25 small pocket knives (for the children)

- 10 large weapons, preferably with ammunition 

- blankets, coats, other outwear for my students and myself

- a winnebago 

- at least 10 gallons of vodka

That should do it.  Are you ready for the end of the world?