The last message I got was from someone who simply asked "where are you?"
That's a great question, reader! I've had some adventures, and have been "MIA" for a long time now.
So, let's see where we left off? Oh right, we were about to begin our state tests. We had our first day of testing, and my little kiddos did great. I mean, they were nervous as hell, but we sang songs (I teach them Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall, because I think it's funny to hear them sing it!) had some treats, and I thought all in all, the day went well.
I had a helicopter parent last year, and of course, she came in right after school to talk to me about something- I don't know- maybe it was Number 17's test anxiety, or something about how horrible the state is for forcing second graders to sit so long during the tests. Anyway, I was dying to get to Martini Monday, so I told her we'd walk out together and chat.
My principal must have been eager to go to Martini Monday too, because as we're crossing the parking lot, she plows into all three of us going 35 miles an hour in her PT Cruiser. Needless to say, there was a lot of damage. I broke my collar bone, four ribs and my spleen was ruptured. The mom was flung into the traffic circle and had a horrible head trauma and the kid barely got a scratch on him. (Why'd we have the bad luck?)
So I spent some time in the hospital after having emergency surgery. Unfortunately, I then got a staph infection. It was all really awful. That would have been bad enough, but in the midst of all this, I found out that my boyfriend (ohhhh, I wish I could tell you his name) had been having an affair on me for several months. How did I find this out? Well, let's just say she was the one changing my bedpan. The bastard was cheating on me with a nursing assistant. So that was another blow. If I had been able to move my upper body, I may have jumped him and knocked him out. Unfortunately, I was unable to move much, and every time I did I had a shooting pain in my chest, so I basically couldn't even cry over the whole mess.
While all this is happening, my kids get a long term sub. Let's call her Ms. Perky. Ms. Perky is my complete opposite. She's short, fat, and has a perpetual smile on her face. Ms. Perky loves rainbows, and buttercups, and wholesome things like Jesus and Strawberry Shortcake. She's on my shitlist.
She turned my little angels into idiots. Believe me, there's nothing worse than a group of fake-sappy, "Good-Morning Ms. Perky" automatons. Whatever happened to critical thinking? She had them doing color by number math sheets and rainbow words. Barf in a bag. But, there's not much I could do about that.
Now, where's my principal during all this? Well, she was facing assault and DUI charges. Apparently, she had already started her Martini Monday. I always knew something was fishy about her. She seemed to really cling to her coffee cup. I'm letting bygones be bygones, especially since there's going to be some kind of settlement in my future. Double that actually. There might also be a settlement after my staph infection.
Money aside, the school year was a wash. I needed basically the rest of the year to recover. I went back part-time the last three weeks of school, just to say good-bye and clean up the mess left behind by Ms. Perky.
By the time June rolled around, I was better physically but emotionally, I was in a bad state. I had lost my boyfriend, my job was in limbo, and my body was a wreck (I won't post pictures because embarrassingly, I gained 19 pounds while sick, and look like a giant heifer.) So what did I do? I ran off to Nashville. I haven't mentioned this before, but one of the things I've always wanted to do was sing in a country western band. Not because I like, love country western music. I'm really more of an Elliot Smith/Belle and Sebastian type girl. But there's something romantic about getting up on a stage in an old dusty honky-tonk bar, in short-shorts and cowboy boots. So I packed my summer skimpies and spent the summer with an old friend who lives in Nashville. I had one Taylor Swift sighting, but otherwise, it was a hot sticky summer, spent drinking lots of whiskey and making out with strangers.
Now, I'm back. I was reassigned to Kindergarten and I have a new Principal. Mr. P is pretty cool, and I might add, not bad to look at. I've never taught kindergarten, but am looking forward to the sweet little cherubs who will be in my class! I've already got a great theme in mind! I'm calling it "Classic Fairy Tales." I'm going to do bulletin boards of Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel and Sleeping Beauty. More to come on that later!
