Seriously, you have to vote. You especially must vote for politicians who support funding preschool programs like Headstart. It will just make life so much easier for us Kindergarten teachers. Because, these kids know literally nothing! I'm about to pull out my hair!
I have seventeen little people toddling into my room each morning. They are a sweet group of kids, eight girls and nine boys. They came to school with fresh haircuts, new shoes, smelling of Johnson & Johnson No More Tears and carrying their cartoon inspired lunch boxes. But they know nothing.
Of my seventeen kids, only six write their name. A few more try, but mix up letters, use all capitals, or write them backwards (really?!?) The rest sort of scribble on their papers. I am constantly writing their names on easel paintings, coloring pages and workbook sheets.
We've spent the first couple of days of school writing our names. And reading our names, and recognizing our names. Holy shit! Isn't that what preschool is for??? We name the letters, sing the alphabet song, spot the letters around the room. You'd think if your name is Lisa, you'd know the letter L by now, right?
And none of them write their numbers- at all! We worked on 1-5 today and it was fucking torture. That and making sticks with 5 unifix cubes. And combining those and making sticks of ten unifix cubes. Counting has been fun. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9 10!
And no one ever taught these children to hold a pencil. They hold the things like Jason, from Friday the 13th with a knife. You'd think they were about to kill the paper! Scissors... Jesus Christ! I had them cut out a circus face shape to decorate, and the faces ended up looking more like road kill than lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
Most of them have never sat in a circle- some don't even know what a circle is. It takes 10 minutes just to find their spots (and I marked each spot with a lovely little clown face on the carpet, with, stupidly, their name on it!) And lining up takes me physically moving them into place and specifically telling them "don't move yet." I need some kind of little song for standing in line. I'll check on Pinterest later!
Holy Fuck! And why the hell are they not potty trained? These kids are five, some are six years old! I had four accidents in two days! I think they just get too busy and forget to go.
Anyway, this land of Kindergarten is a whole new world! I am shocked and surprised by how little school experience some of these children have had! I'm sorry I am completely rambling. I am in shock from what I have to do this year. It's completely new and they are basically starting at zero.
So, when it comes time to cast your vote, please think about voting for people who support early childhood education. Every child should come to school able to sing the ABC song, know their colors, know how to hold a pencil and do their times tables. So, if you haven't registered to vote, please do! You can click here to get started! If ou already are a voter, please keep yourself informed and make sure the person you are electing is someone who cares about our youngest citizens!
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox. I have felt alphabet pieces to cut out and better get working!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Well, it's been awhile!!
The last message I got was from someone who simply asked "where are you?"
That's a great question, reader! I've had some adventures, and have been "MIA" for a long time now.
So, let's see where we left off? Oh right, we were about to begin our state tests. We had our first day of testing, and my little kiddos did great. I mean, they were nervous as hell, but we sang songs (I teach them Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall, because I think it's funny to hear them sing it!) had some treats, and I thought all in all, the day went well.
I had a helicopter parent last year, and of course, she came in right after school to talk to me about something- I don't know- maybe it was Number 17's test anxiety, or something about how horrible the state is for forcing second graders to sit so long during the tests. Anyway, I was dying to get to Martini Monday, so I told her we'd walk out together and chat.
My principal must have been eager to go to Martini Monday too, because as we're crossing the parking lot, she plows into all three of us going 35 miles an hour in her PT Cruiser. Needless to say, there was a lot of damage. I broke my collar bone, four ribs and my spleen was ruptured. The mom was flung into the traffic circle and had a horrible head trauma and the kid barely got a scratch on him. (Why'd we have the bad luck?)
So I spent some time in the hospital after having emergency surgery. Unfortunately, I then got a staph infection. It was all really awful. That would have been bad enough, but in the midst of all this, I found out that my boyfriend (ohhhh, I wish I could tell you his name) had been having an affair on me for several months. How did I find this out? Well, let's just say she was the one changing my bedpan. The bastard was cheating on me with a nursing assistant. So that was another blow. If I had been able to move my upper body, I may have jumped him and knocked him out. Unfortunately, I was unable to move much, and every time I did I had a shooting pain in my chest, so I basically couldn't even cry over the whole mess.
While all this is happening, my kids get a long term sub. Let's call her Ms. Perky. Ms. Perky is my complete opposite. She's short, fat, and has a perpetual smile on her face. Ms. Perky loves rainbows, and buttercups, and wholesome things like Jesus and Strawberry Shortcake. She's on my shitlist.
She turned my little angels into idiots. Believe me, there's nothing worse than a group of fake-sappy, "Good-Morning Ms. Perky" automatons. Whatever happened to critical thinking? She had them doing color by number math sheets and rainbow words. Barf in a bag. But, there's not much I could do about that.
Now, where's my principal during all this? Well, she was facing assault and DUI charges. Apparently, she had already started her Martini Monday. I always knew something was fishy about her. She seemed to really cling to her coffee cup. I'm letting bygones be bygones, especially since there's going to be some kind of settlement in my future. Double that actually. There might also be a settlement after my staph infection.
Money aside, the school year was a wash. I needed basically the rest of the year to recover. I went back part-time the last three weeks of school, just to say good-bye and clean up the mess left behind by Ms. Perky.
By the time June rolled around, I was better physically but emotionally, I was in a bad state. I had lost my boyfriend, my job was in limbo, and my body was a wreck (I won't post pictures because embarrassingly, I gained 19 pounds while sick, and look like a giant heifer.) So what did I do? I ran off to Nashville. I haven't mentioned this before, but one of the things I've always wanted to do was sing in a country western band. Not because I like, love country western music. I'm really more of an Elliot Smith/Belle and Sebastian type girl. But there's something romantic about getting up on a stage in an old dusty honky-tonk bar, in short-shorts and cowboy boots. So I packed my summer skimpies and spent the summer with an old friend who lives in Nashville. I had one Taylor Swift sighting, but otherwise, it was a hot sticky summer, spent drinking lots of whiskey and making out with strangers.
Now, I'm back. I was reassigned to Kindergarten and I have a new Principal. Mr. P is pretty cool, and I might add, not bad to look at. I've never taught kindergarten, but am looking forward to the sweet little cherubs who will be in my class! I've already got a great theme in mind! I'm calling it "Classic Fairy Tales." I'm going to do bulletin boards of Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel and Sleeping Beauty. More to come on that later!
That's a great question, reader! I've had some adventures, and have been "MIA" for a long time now.
So, let's see where we left off? Oh right, we were about to begin our state tests. We had our first day of testing, and my little kiddos did great. I mean, they were nervous as hell, but we sang songs (I teach them Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall, because I think it's funny to hear them sing it!) had some treats, and I thought all in all, the day went well.
I had a helicopter parent last year, and of course, she came in right after school to talk to me about something- I don't know- maybe it was Number 17's test anxiety, or something about how horrible the state is for forcing second graders to sit so long during the tests. Anyway, I was dying to get to Martini Monday, so I told her we'd walk out together and chat.
My principal must have been eager to go to Martini Monday too, because as we're crossing the parking lot, she plows into all three of us going 35 miles an hour in her PT Cruiser. Needless to say, there was a lot of damage. I broke my collar bone, four ribs and my spleen was ruptured. The mom was flung into the traffic circle and had a horrible head trauma and the kid barely got a scratch on him. (Why'd we have the bad luck?)
So I spent some time in the hospital after having emergency surgery. Unfortunately, I then got a staph infection. It was all really awful. That would have been bad enough, but in the midst of all this, I found out that my boyfriend (ohhhh, I wish I could tell you his name) had been having an affair on me for several months. How did I find this out? Well, let's just say she was the one changing my bedpan. The bastard was cheating on me with a nursing assistant. So that was another blow. If I had been able to move my upper body, I may have jumped him and knocked him out. Unfortunately, I was unable to move much, and every time I did I had a shooting pain in my chest, so I basically couldn't even cry over the whole mess.
While all this is happening, my kids get a long term sub. Let's call her Ms. Perky. Ms. Perky is my complete opposite. She's short, fat, and has a perpetual smile on her face. Ms. Perky loves rainbows, and buttercups, and wholesome things like Jesus and Strawberry Shortcake. She's on my shitlist.
She turned my little angels into idiots. Believe me, there's nothing worse than a group of fake-sappy, "Good-Morning Ms. Perky" automatons. Whatever happened to critical thinking? She had them doing color by number math sheets and rainbow words. Barf in a bag. But, there's not much I could do about that.
Now, where's my principal during all this? Well, she was facing assault and DUI charges. Apparently, she had already started her Martini Monday. I always knew something was fishy about her. She seemed to really cling to her coffee cup. I'm letting bygones be bygones, especially since there's going to be some kind of settlement in my future. Double that actually. There might also be a settlement after my staph infection.
Money aside, the school year was a wash. I needed basically the rest of the year to recover. I went back part-time the last three weeks of school, just to say good-bye and clean up the mess left behind by Ms. Perky.
By the time June rolled around, I was better physically but emotionally, I was in a bad state. I had lost my boyfriend, my job was in limbo, and my body was a wreck (I won't post pictures because embarrassingly, I gained 19 pounds while sick, and look like a giant heifer.) So what did I do? I ran off to Nashville. I haven't mentioned this before, but one of the things I've always wanted to do was sing in a country western band. Not because I like, love country western music. I'm really more of an Elliot Smith/Belle and Sebastian type girl. But there's something romantic about getting up on a stage in an old dusty honky-tonk bar, in short-shorts and cowboy boots. So I packed my summer skimpies and spent the summer with an old friend who lives in Nashville. I had one Taylor Swift sighting, but otherwise, it was a hot sticky summer, spent drinking lots of whiskey and making out with strangers.
Now, I'm back. I was reassigned to Kindergarten and I have a new Principal. Mr. P is pretty cool, and I might add, not bad to look at. I've never taught kindergarten, but am looking forward to the sweet little cherubs who will be in my class! I've already got a great theme in mind! I'm calling it "Classic Fairy Tales." I'm going to do bulletin boards of Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel and Sleeping Beauty. More to come on that later!
Friday, February 24, 2012
High Stakes Testing- High Stakes Goodies!
I know teachers are just as stressed as the kiddos this time of year! A lot of us teachers try to make life better for our little ones when they are under the pressure of taking the state tests.
Our tests start Monday. I've barely slept all week! My little guys are as ready as their gonna be- we've been reading, writing and doing math all year. I just hope they're ready enough!
To help them feel better on the testing days, I prepared a little treat for each day of the week. I made this poster so they have something to look forward to each day!
I bought a big Costco sized box of Redbulls, 5 Hour Energy shots, and brownie mix. The kids will be ready if I can help it!!
On Monday, the Redbulls will energize them and help them focus on the reading test. On Tuesday, the 5 Hour Energy will keep them working through the writing test, and on Wednesday, the brownies I made (with extra special butter) will keep them working away on their math test. I think my class results this year are gonna be stellar!!!
Our tests start Monday. I've barely slept all week! My little guys are as ready as their gonna be- we've been reading, writing and doing math all year. I just hope they're ready enough!
To help them feel better on the testing days, I prepared a little treat for each day of the week. I made this poster so they have something to look forward to each day!
I bought a big Costco sized box of Redbulls, 5 Hour Energy shots, and brownie mix. The kids will be ready if I can help it!!
On Monday, the Redbulls will energize them and help them focus on the reading test. On Tuesday, the 5 Hour Energy will keep them working through the writing test, and on Wednesday, the brownies I made (with extra special butter) will keep them working away on their math test. I think my class results this year are gonna be stellar!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
When are they making that teacher reality show again?
I would love to sign up, if they ever really have one. I always hear "rumors" on the internet about teacher reality shows. It occurs to me, that they are all written in jest, as no one would actually make a reality show about teaching.
Here's how I know it would never make it past the pilot. This week, I spent a professional development day in another classroom. It was hella boring. I was yawning. I was trying to take notes. I was yawning some more. This was a great teacher, with interesting lessons and even some excitement (a finger slammed in the door!) The kids were sweet and adorable, and they even sung a cute song that I had in my head all evening. However, it was still boring as fuck.
Somehow, when you're the one teaching the lesson, managing the owies, and singing the songs, it flies by quickly and suddenly you're at lunch, slumped over a stale cup of coffee and trying to get into the bathroom before that one teacher who stinks it up every lunch period.
Now, if there ever was a reality show, I think it should be like WifeSwap. A business professional with children would switch jobs for a week with a teacher. The reason that business professional must have children, is because generally people with children think they know how to teach. It's more entertaining to see someone proven wrong than watch them simply fumble about.
So, on day 1, the teacher gets placed in the nice little business office. She has to do all the things business people do. File, answer emails, create forms, fill in forms, look stuff up online, make phone calls, answer phone calls, keep records. Should be a snap. We do all that stuff every day. And, it should feel like a vacation, because the teacher would get a business lunch, time to play online games, and do a little shopping on Amazon.com.
The business person would start day 1 on Monday morning, around 7:00 am, entering a classroom. The business person would have to follow the first day's lesson plans (we wouldn't be too mean! They'd at least have one day of plans). However, they'd have to make copies, set out materials, gather materials, and be ready for the kids to arrive all before 8:15. The fun would start when the kids show up. Will the business person be able to keep them seated, listening, meeting standards, completing work?
Day 2, would be much the same for the teacher, as she continues to answer emails, go shoe shopping during lunch, and work on whatever work a business person does. For the business person, they would be required to plan 6 hours worth of lesson plans, meanwhile, meeting the state standards and creating material that's just right for the ELL students, the learning disabled students, the low group, the high group, the middle group, and the gifted students. They would have to a behavior plan in place for the children with behavior problems.
As the week goes on, the stakes get higher... formal observations, a visit from the superintendent's office, a class performance in front of the whole school, integrating technology when the technology is practically all broken, and dealing with the unfortunate experience of having to call CPS, have an emergency parent meeting, and having the class pet die.
The show would conclude with the teacher and the business person meeting one another. The business person "wins" when they realize that the teacher deserves double her salary!!
I'm reserving all rights to this show. If anyone wants to produce it, I get a fair share of the royalties!
Here's how I know it would never make it past the pilot. This week, I spent a professional development day in another classroom. It was hella boring. I was yawning. I was trying to take notes. I was yawning some more. This was a great teacher, with interesting lessons and even some excitement (a finger slammed in the door!) The kids were sweet and adorable, and they even sung a cute song that I had in my head all evening. However, it was still boring as fuck.
Somehow, when you're the one teaching the lesson, managing the owies, and singing the songs, it flies by quickly and suddenly you're at lunch, slumped over a stale cup of coffee and trying to get into the bathroom before that one teacher who stinks it up every lunch period.
Now, if there ever was a reality show, I think it should be like WifeSwap. A business professional with children would switch jobs for a week with a teacher. The reason that business professional must have children, is because generally people with children think they know how to teach. It's more entertaining to see someone proven wrong than watch them simply fumble about.
So, on day 1, the teacher gets placed in the nice little business office. She has to do all the things business people do. File, answer emails, create forms, fill in forms, look stuff up online, make phone calls, answer phone calls, keep records. Should be a snap. We do all that stuff every day. And, it should feel like a vacation, because the teacher would get a business lunch, time to play online games, and do a little shopping on Amazon.com.
The business person would start day 1 on Monday morning, around 7:00 am, entering a classroom. The business person would have to follow the first day's lesson plans (we wouldn't be too mean! They'd at least have one day of plans). However, they'd have to make copies, set out materials, gather materials, and be ready for the kids to arrive all before 8:15. The fun would start when the kids show up. Will the business person be able to keep them seated, listening, meeting standards, completing work?
Day 2, would be much the same for the teacher, as she continues to answer emails, go shoe shopping during lunch, and work on whatever work a business person does. For the business person, they would be required to plan 6 hours worth of lesson plans, meanwhile, meeting the state standards and creating material that's just right for the ELL students, the learning disabled students, the low group, the high group, the middle group, and the gifted students. They would have to a behavior plan in place for the children with behavior problems.
As the week goes on, the stakes get higher... formal observations, a visit from the superintendent's office, a class performance in front of the whole school, integrating technology when the technology is practically all broken, and dealing with the unfortunate experience of having to call CPS, have an emergency parent meeting, and having the class pet die.
The show would conclude with the teacher and the business person meeting one another. The business person "wins" when they realize that the teacher deserves double her salary!!
I'm reserving all rights to this show. If anyone wants to produce it, I get a fair share of the royalties!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
When's next year?
Around this time of year, I start to think about next year. I don't know about you, but it only takes me about 5 months to start wanting a new class. I'm someone who LOVES the romance phase... I love when things and fresh and shiny and new. I love getting to know the kids, getting to see my routines come in to place, getting through the first big events of the new year. This is why I have had more short term relationships than long ones. He who must not be named only sticks with me because we spend the majority of our time in complete silence, in opposite rooms, doing our own things, and then suddenly and spontaneously finding each other again and jumping in the sack!
As we approach our hundredth day, state testing, parent conferences (again) and report cards, I begin to think of all of the other careers I coulda, woulda, shoulda had.
For example, I see those kids on the street collecting signatures for GreenPeace. That seems like a fun job. And I know girls who make a lot waiting tables- make even more when they dance on top of them. I think of all the girls in their cute designer business suits working in office buildings. The front desk girls in my dentist office wear matching outfits. And they aren't scrubs. They actually must go shopping together and buy matching little business outfits. I think about how nice it would be to have a job that afforded me that kind of luxury. Instead, even though I try to look cute, I know deep-down everything I wear to work inevitably ends up with glue, paint or snot on it.
And around this time of year, I get tired of writing parent emails, and I get tired of planning lessons, get tired of being tired. I also stress because our district is so small. People get RIFed every year. It hasn't been me yet, but I am actually one of only two teachers at my school who haven't been teaching there for like, forty-five years. If they RIF anyone, it could be me. And then, I worry non-stop about that. I worry about being fired, of pissing someone off with my radical ways, of getting a new, less understanding, less cool principal who hates me, of losing my job, or getting fired, and going broke.
And part of me thinks, "eh, might not be so bad! I could go to massage school."
But part of me would really miss hearing, "teacher! teacher!" and would miss scraped knees, and tattle tails, and sharing time, and lunch count.
As we approach our hundredth day, state testing, parent conferences (again) and report cards, I begin to think of all of the other careers I coulda, woulda, shoulda had.
For example, I see those kids on the street collecting signatures for GreenPeace. That seems like a fun job. And I know girls who make a lot waiting tables- make even more when they dance on top of them. I think of all the girls in their cute designer business suits working in office buildings. The front desk girls in my dentist office wear matching outfits. And they aren't scrubs. They actually must go shopping together and buy matching little business outfits. I think about how nice it would be to have a job that afforded me that kind of luxury. Instead, even though I try to look cute, I know deep-down everything I wear to work inevitably ends up with glue, paint or snot on it.
And around this time of year, I get tired of writing parent emails, and I get tired of planning lessons, get tired of being tired. I also stress because our district is so small. People get RIFed every year. It hasn't been me yet, but I am actually one of only two teachers at my school who haven't been teaching there for like, forty-five years. If they RIF anyone, it could be me. And then, I worry non-stop about that. I worry about being fired, of pissing someone off with my radical ways, of getting a new, less understanding, less cool principal who hates me, of losing my job, or getting fired, and going broke.
And part of me thinks, "eh, might not be so bad! I could go to massage school."
But part of me would really miss hearing, "teacher! teacher!" and would miss scraped knees, and tattle tails, and sharing time, and lunch count.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Awards? Well, I am Teacher of the Frickin' Year....
I hate that I haven't done this yet. I am just so modest and shy. Accepting an award makes me get all red in the face, and I was just so shocked and surprised that someone thought of me! I had a rough winter, and let the blogging thing sort of slip through December (when she gave me the award) so now that January is mostly over, I'm posting again and ready to accept the award I so clearly deserve :)
So,
Thank you so much to Mrs. Smythe from New Adventures in First Grade for giving me the Liebster Blog Award!
So,
Thank you so much to Mrs. Smythe from New Adventures in First Grade for giving me the Liebster Blog Award!
The Liebster Award is given to spotlight up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers.
In return, I'm honoring some blogs of my followers, who must be cool people if they like me!
1) Sierra, of Oh, Just Livin' the Dream
- First off, she worked in Kenya. How fucking cool is that? Second, she totally rocks the geek glasses and she's a super cute little fashionista that reminds me of me when I was her age :)
2) Mrs. T, from Teaching for Tomorrow
- She's a brand new teacher, and reading things from teachers who are fresh and shiny reminds you of the wonderful things you forgot about as the system hardens you.
3) Melissa, at Teaching Fashionista
- She's like, a Pinterest maniac, and has super cute edibles and creatables on her blog. She looks awesome in a sunhat, too!
4) Wren, of The Gentle House.
- She writes about her 110 year old house. Her food photos would make Martha Steward cum in her pants! Amazing!
5) Jennifer, at Mrs. White's First Grade
- She does tons of cute projects with her kiddos and posts super sweet photos (I'm not about to do that or they MIGHT just fire me, per the concerns of one of my followers last week!)
Enjoy your awards everyone! (Just copy and paste the picture of the Liebster into your blog! Then, give it to five more blogs with 200 or less members.)
1) Sierra, of Oh, Just Livin' the Dream
- First off, she worked in Kenya. How fucking cool is that? Second, she totally rocks the geek glasses and she's a super cute little fashionista that reminds me of me when I was her age :)
2) Mrs. T, from Teaching for Tomorrow
- She's a brand new teacher, and reading things from teachers who are fresh and shiny reminds you of the wonderful things you forgot about as the system hardens you.
3) Melissa, at Teaching Fashionista
- She's like, a Pinterest maniac, and has super cute edibles and creatables on her blog. She looks awesome in a sunhat, too!
4) Wren, of The Gentle House.
- She writes about her 110 year old house. Her food photos would make Martha Steward cum in her pants! Amazing!
5) Jennifer, at Mrs. White's First Grade
- She does tons of cute projects with her kiddos and posts super sweet photos (I'm not about to do that or they MIGHT just fire me, per the concerns of one of my followers last week!)
Enjoy your awards everyone! (Just copy and paste the picture of the Liebster into your blog! Then, give it to five more blogs with 200 or less members.)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Keeping yourself Anonymous...
A follower posted last week about her concern for my job, as I post so many details about my work on my blog. I understand that people have different levels of comfort with how much parents, administrators, and the general public know about them. I mean, not even a hundred years ago I would have broken practically every rule in the teaching handbook, as seen in the 1915 Rules for Teachers. I know that my administrators trust my ability to teach, to get kids to meet the standards, and I make my families very happy (yes, it takes some bribery, but they are happy!) I also know the value of anonymity.
We're in the middle of snowstorm season around here, and with two feet of snow on the ground, and the power out in much of the county- school was canceled yesterday! Hooray! Then, they canceled school today! Double-Hooray! As you know, I love my job, I love teaching, and I love students. But I love days off more.
So, what do you do on a snow day? You make hot toddies, get drunk and make naked snow angels! (I'm kidding about the naked snow angels!)
I wish that had been my day. It was actually a lot worse. So, yesterday I put on my boots, hat, fleece everything, scarf, coat, and gloves. I put matching doggie parkas on Screwy and Chewy and took them out for a walk. I was slomping along my front walk in the deep, deep snow, with the dogs hopping along and sniffing around, and I was trying to keep my hot toddy from slipping out of my gloved hands and into the snow. That would be such a waste of good whiskey.
Then, I turned my head and see three of my little nose-pickers flying down the hill on sleds. They slid to a stop near my feet. "Ms. Kaplan! Ms. Kaplan!" Snot running down their chins, they hugged me, getting mucus all over my very expensive DKNY down jacket. "You live here!?!" they cried in disbelief.
The kids were so happy to see me. Fortunately, my scarf hid my grimace. All I wanted was to let the dogs shit and pee quickly so I could get back into the warmth of my home.
"Watch us sled! Watch us sled!" My toes froze as I watched them hike the nearby hill and slide down again.
"You are awesome sledders" I told them, wishing they'd climb back up that hill and not come back, "My doggies need to go on their walk now. Bye-bye."
"Can we help?" They asked, in innocent joy. "Sure." Sip-sip-sip. I was careful not to let my hot toddy spill as I handed the leashes over to the kids. We walked and talked, and they made guesses as to when we'd be back in school, and if we'd still have a math test on Friday. I did my usual response, "maybe" which keeps their critical thinking skills in check.
We rounded the block back to my house, and I told them their moms and dads are probably wondering where they are, so they better hurry home. With laughter and giggles, they tromped off through the snow, back to their homes. What lovely little children. It's sure good to be loved.
Early this morning, I'm waiting for the school closure report come in and it dawns on me. THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE! This is my number one teaching rule. NEVER LET THEM KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! Immediately, I jump on craigslist and start perusing the rental properties, because I realize I will only be able to stay here so long before the damage occurs. I'm totally immersed in my search, and falling in love with a cottage style house about six miles away when...
Bzzzz.... I hear my doorbell. Whatthefuck? Who would be ringing my doorbell at 8:00 in the morning? Chewy and Screwy start going crazy, yelping at the door. I'm nearly naked, so I throw on my robe, and get to the door.
Standing before me, clad in head to toe snow gear are my three little rodents.
"Hi Ms. Kaplan! Can we play with your doggies?" Ohshitohshitohshit! This is the clincher. Do I say yes and let them in, or send the dogs out? Do I say no and sound like a bitch? Letting them in my house is a very bad idea (do you remember the stories they told in your Educational Law class?) Sending the dogs out seems like a bad idea, considering their pension for humping and nipping at people.
"I wish I could, but we're staying in for awhile. It's cold and I'm not ready to go outside."
"Okay! Bye Ms. Kaplan! We love you! See you later!"
"By kiddos."
I closed the door and sunk down to the floor. The worst thing possible has happened. I no longer have anonymity. There is no sanctity in my home. I can no longer have sex in the backyard. I can no longer have margarita parties on the lawn. Forever more, three little shitheads will be coming by, bringing me flowers they pick, trying to sell me cookies, or wrapping paper, or asking me to buy lemonade from their stands.
I've contacted the owner of that cottage. We're moving at the end of the month!
We're in the middle of snowstorm season around here, and with two feet of snow on the ground, and the power out in much of the county- school was canceled yesterday! Hooray! Then, they canceled school today! Double-Hooray! As you know, I love my job, I love teaching, and I love students. But I love days off more.
So, what do you do on a snow day? You make hot toddies, get drunk and make naked snow angels! (I'm kidding about the naked snow angels!)
I wish that had been my day. It was actually a lot worse. So, yesterday I put on my boots, hat, fleece everything, scarf, coat, and gloves. I put matching doggie parkas on Screwy and Chewy and took them out for a walk. I was slomping along my front walk in the deep, deep snow, with the dogs hopping along and sniffing around, and I was trying to keep my hot toddy from slipping out of my gloved hands and into the snow. That would be such a waste of good whiskey.
Then, I turned my head and see three of my little nose-pickers flying down the hill on sleds. They slid to a stop near my feet. "Ms. Kaplan! Ms. Kaplan!" Snot running down their chins, they hugged me, getting mucus all over my very expensive DKNY down jacket. "You live here!?!" they cried in disbelief.
The kids were so happy to see me. Fortunately, my scarf hid my grimace. All I wanted was to let the dogs shit and pee quickly so I could get back into the warmth of my home.
"Watch us sled! Watch us sled!" My toes froze as I watched them hike the nearby hill and slide down again.
"You are awesome sledders" I told them, wishing they'd climb back up that hill and not come back, "My doggies need to go on their walk now. Bye-bye."
"Can we help?" They asked, in innocent joy. "Sure." Sip-sip-sip. I was careful not to let my hot toddy spill as I handed the leashes over to the kids. We walked and talked, and they made guesses as to when we'd be back in school, and if we'd still have a math test on Friday. I did my usual response, "maybe" which keeps their critical thinking skills in check.
We rounded the block back to my house, and I told them their moms and dads are probably wondering where they are, so they better hurry home. With laughter and giggles, they tromped off through the snow, back to their homes. What lovely little children. It's sure good to be loved.
Early this morning, I'm waiting for the school closure report come in and it dawns on me. THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE! This is my number one teaching rule. NEVER LET THEM KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! Immediately, I jump on craigslist and start perusing the rental properties, because I realize I will only be able to stay here so long before the damage occurs. I'm totally immersed in my search, and falling in love with a cottage style house about six miles away when...
Bzzzz.... I hear my doorbell. Whatthefuck? Who would be ringing my doorbell at 8:00 in the morning? Chewy and Screwy start going crazy, yelping at the door. I'm nearly naked, so I throw on my robe, and get to the door.
Standing before me, clad in head to toe snow gear are my three little rodents.
"Hi Ms. Kaplan! Can we play with your doggies?" Ohshitohshitohshit! This is the clincher. Do I say yes and let them in, or send the dogs out? Do I say no and sound like a bitch? Letting them in my house is a very bad idea (do you remember the stories they told in your Educational Law class?) Sending the dogs out seems like a bad idea, considering their pension for humping and nipping at people.
"I wish I could, but we're staying in for awhile. It's cold and I'm not ready to go outside."
"Okay! Bye Ms. Kaplan! We love you! See you later!"
"By kiddos."
I closed the door and sunk down to the floor. The worst thing possible has happened. I no longer have anonymity. There is no sanctity in my home. I can no longer have sex in the backyard. I can no longer have margarita parties on the lawn. Forever more, three little shitheads will be coming by, bringing me flowers they pick, trying to sell me cookies, or wrapping paper, or asking me to buy lemonade from their stands.
I've contacted the owner of that cottage. We're moving at the end of the month!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Gifted, My Ass
In our district, now is the time applications need to be submitted for our GATE program. Since ALL my parents think their children are gifted and talented, this means I have a giant stack of teacher recommendations to fill out before Friday.
Parents are able to submit their own recommendations for their child. This means, once one parent proclaims their child will be testing for GATE, all the other moms in the parking lot join in on GATE-Fest 2012. No one wants to be left out. You'd think that no news is better than bad news, but apparently everyone is so self-assured about their child's brilliance that the thought that they may not be in the top 5% of all the students in our district hasn't crossed their minds.
Now, let me just profile a couple of my wonderful little nose-pickers for you. You can help me fill out my forms. (Believe me, I need the help!)
Number 18. A darling pudge-ball... comes in every morning needing a reminder of our morning routine (unpack your backpack, make a lunch choice, finish your math minute, shop for a book for your book bag if time.) Every day, every step of the way, Number 18 needs to ask, "whatdoIdonow?" in a loud, shrieky sort of voice.
So, our form asks the following to be ranked somewhere between very rarely and very often:
Memory and Knowledge: Remembers, integrates, retains information or skills
Fast Learner: Grasps and performs sophisticated concepts and tasks quickly and easily
Even if unpacking your backpack were a sophisticated task, I can't say that Number 18 does this quickly or easily. In fact, Number 18 still walks into last year's classroom instead of mine at least once a week.
Number 3. My complainer. He complains about every task, every lesson, every book, every challenge problem, group project, or craft. He has "nothing to write about" "can't draw" and "hates books." He also wears the same socks day in and out and has a habit of slipping off his Merrils and rubbing his feet on other kids during our read aloud. Of course, his parents attribute his complaining to boredom, an obvious sign that he is far too gifted to be in a regular second grade.
So, on the form I have to explain how he rates in the following:
Motivation: Intense desire to know, create, do, feel or understand
Interests: Passionate interests, including unusual or short-lived interests
I've had gifted second graders before. I had a boy who could name and identify every mushroom, and was part of our local mycological society. He was written about in the newspaper and was auditing an adult education course at our university!
I had a girl who wrote a science fiction "novel" over the course of the year during our daily free writing time, with phrases in it like, "These are the days of darkness, when the crystal sky aches for new stars, and our dying moon slips in and out of its phases with hunger pangs that can't be satisfied with even the heartiest of meals." A second grader!
I had a second grade boy once who "played" with his brother's sixth grade algebra book at home, and did his brother's homework each night for "fun" in addition to our own.
Those children were gifted- well beyond gifted! They were brilliant. I understand that there is a difference between being a genius and being gifted and talented... but just as far as that chasm is, so is the difference between being totally typical, or below average and qualifying for GATE.
I am interested to see what happens to my little Number 18 and Number 3. I am interested to see those who are above and below those two. Right now, though, after working on most of my stack of recommendations tonight, I am ready for a big huge vodka tonic! Drink the pain away!
Parents are able to submit their own recommendations for their child. This means, once one parent proclaims their child will be testing for GATE, all the other moms in the parking lot join in on GATE-Fest 2012. No one wants to be left out. You'd think that no news is better than bad news, but apparently everyone is so self-assured about their child's brilliance that the thought that they may not be in the top 5% of all the students in our district hasn't crossed their minds.
Now, let me just profile a couple of my wonderful little nose-pickers for you. You can help me fill out my forms. (Believe me, I need the help!)
Number 18. A darling pudge-ball... comes in every morning needing a reminder of our morning routine (unpack your backpack, make a lunch choice, finish your math minute, shop for a book for your book bag if time.) Every day, every step of the way, Number 18 needs to ask, "whatdoIdonow?" in a loud, shrieky sort of voice.
So, our form asks the following to be ranked somewhere between very rarely and very often:
Memory and Knowledge: Remembers, integrates, retains information or skills
Fast Learner: Grasps and performs sophisticated concepts and tasks quickly and easily
Even if unpacking your backpack were a sophisticated task, I can't say that Number 18 does this quickly or easily. In fact, Number 18 still walks into last year's classroom instead of mine at least once a week.
Number 3. My complainer. He complains about every task, every lesson, every book, every challenge problem, group project, or craft. He has "nothing to write about" "can't draw" and "hates books." He also wears the same socks day in and out and has a habit of slipping off his Merrils and rubbing his feet on other kids during our read aloud. Of course, his parents attribute his complaining to boredom, an obvious sign that he is far too gifted to be in a regular second grade.
So, on the form I have to explain how he rates in the following:
Motivation: Intense desire to know, create, do, feel or understand
Interests: Passionate interests, including unusual or short-lived interests
I've had gifted second graders before. I had a boy who could name and identify every mushroom, and was part of our local mycological society. He was written about in the newspaper and was auditing an adult education course at our university!
I had a girl who wrote a science fiction "novel" over the course of the year during our daily free writing time, with phrases in it like, "These are the days of darkness, when the crystal sky aches for new stars, and our dying moon slips in and out of its phases with hunger pangs that can't be satisfied with even the heartiest of meals." A second grader!
I had a second grade boy once who "played" with his brother's sixth grade algebra book at home, and did his brother's homework each night for "fun" in addition to our own.
Those children were gifted- well beyond gifted! They were brilliant. I understand that there is a difference between being a genius and being gifted and talented... but just as far as that chasm is, so is the difference between being totally typical, or below average and qualifying for GATE.
I am interested to see what happens to my little Number 18 and Number 3. I am interested to see those who are above and below those two. Right now, though, after working on most of my stack of recommendations tonight, I am ready for a big huge vodka tonic! Drink the pain away!
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